F&%K Robots!

Article 5 out of the 10 pillar mission statement  for the web start-up I intern at states, “Automation – Machines WILL rule the world someday”. That may be true, but it doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it.

Launched in 2005 by New York agency Amalgamated, this five year mental abomination has finally gotten off the streets of Boston. Recently, the high reach Svedka billboard was taken down outside of my house, never to plague the skies again. The concept is simple, young adults love the future. It explains why every 20+ prays to Apple and wears golden jump suits from American Apparel.

The transition from future to strange animatronic sex bot is obvious, but just to slam it home they have the tagline “VOTED #1 VODKA OF 2033”. Great, so now I have to wait 23 years till this tasteless cheap garbage water ferments enough for me to enjoy it.

Their web executions mimic the same impending future of vodka drinking sex party rave-bots. As an a trick to keep the user page view time higher, you have to scroll horizontally instead of vertically. Honestly you gotta see this yourself. As I was scrolling back-assed through a website that looked like Kayne West’s bloody florescent puke, I stumbled upon SVEDKA’s 3 pillars of boiler-plate suck.

“TOP QUALITY – Imported from Sweden, Distilled five times from Swedish winter wheat, all natural flavors. PREMIUM STYLE – Sleek new bottle with colorful SVEDKA band, is a chic addition to any tabletop or back bar. GREAT VALUE – Compare our price with other premium brands and find out why SVEDKA is the vodka of the future.”

Future people are obviously too good for grammar, but they are never too good for a party. SVEDKA’s T.V. spots display exactly that. In a room from the movie Cube, a multi ethnic techno remix dance party is just popping off.  Err’body starts breakin out “the robot”, a move reserved for fat people and moms drunk at bar mitzvah’s. The campaign’s tagline is displayed and the spot seems to be over, but wait, the camera zooms out to reveal that this gaggle of asynchronies dancers are really all in the subconscious of the sex bot!


There is a vodka being marketed right now for the future, and in this future robot’s with odd womanly features are dreaming of techno J.T. remix break dance parties. Whoever agreed to this concept must have hit the 1980’s NYC nightclub scene a little to hard. Because when I think of robot’s, I think of this.

the obviously close robot apocalypse doesn’t make anyone want to drink vodka, it makes me want whiskey. Comment if you disagree


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Filed under Amalgamated, Kayne West Vomit, R.U. Bot or Not, Rating 1.5, robots, svedka

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